This poem I guess describes not only holding emotions in because the timing is not right but even taking it one more step further....holding in the POTENTIAL for emotions to blossom until a time when they can flourish. NOTE: It was also written after having 2 days of sleep deprivation so I can partially blame that too.
Onslaught
Emotions rushing through my veins,
clogged by sheer force of will
holding them back with all my might
I close my eyes.
People keep warning me
not to play with fire
but here i go again
my stomach throbs
butterflies held inside
too numerous.
I've been here before
I let them out too soon, too fast
she disappeared in a flash
and I was left to drown.
I wont let it happen again
not even if I'm eaten alive
from inside out
by angry affections
breaking out of their cages.
Tears stream down my face
the stress on my body is too much
yet letting go means simply:
more pain.
I clench my fists, my eyes widen
as the tide overwhelms me
exhaustion sets in
but then peaceful sleep.
.
Thursday, July 29, 2010
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Speed of Flight
Finding our way
back and forth
Nervous and fumbling
starting so awkward
I feel uncomfortable.
Fading into dinner
conversation continues
composing, still clumsy
but mutual minds
still think alike.
A new scene appears
familiar setting
indistinct emotions
like currents, surging
through open soul-windows.
Flying above the clouds
heart is so enamored
but wariness behind
silently cautions
speed of flight.
back and forth
Nervous and fumbling
starting so awkward
I feel uncomfortable.
Fading into dinner
conversation continues
composing, still clumsy
but mutual minds
still think alike.
A new scene appears
familiar setting
indistinct emotions
like currents, surging
through open soul-windows.
Flying above the clouds
heart is so enamored
but wariness behind
silently cautions
speed of flight.
Monday, July 26, 2010
For Nikki Araguz
I just wanted to get a message out to Nikki Araguz that I'm so sorry for all of the angst and horrifying oppression she has to go through right now, just to be who she is, just to be true to herself. Girl, keep your chin up and know that there are many who support you despite the evil people who continue to try to make your life miserable.
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. Nikki Aragauz is a transgender woman who was married to a firefighter in Texas that died and now his ex-wife and mother are suing Nikki for his death benefits, claiming she's a "MAN". There are many stories out there in the news being run about this right now. Here's one such story: http://www.khou.com/news/local/Transgender-widow-of-Texas-firefighter-in-court-99122484.html
It's so frustrating for me to watch. She is of course legally female and was legally married to her husband but they are saying the marriage was no good because she was born with male body parts. And yet it WAS a legal marriage. So frustrating.
Nikki: *hugs*
For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about. Nikki Aragauz is a transgender woman who was married to a firefighter in Texas that died and now his ex-wife and mother are suing Nikki for his death benefits, claiming she's a "MAN". There are many stories out there in the news being run about this right now. Here's one such story: http://www.khou.com/news/local/Transgender-widow-of-Texas-firefighter-in-court-99122484.html
It's so frustrating for me to watch. She is of course legally female and was legally married to her husband but they are saying the marriage was no good because she was born with male body parts. And yet it WAS a legal marriage. So frustrating.
Nikki: *hugs*
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Equilibrium
Today is 7 months and 3 weeks since I started hormones and YET it is also 7 months and 3 weeks until my surgery! I just noticed that!!! Kind of cool. It's like an equilibrium of sorts.
Some would say starting hormones was the beginning of my biological changes and some would say that the surgery I will be having in March is the end. That's not necessarily true but with that in mind....today I am right in the middle of the two. I can look back at 7 months and 3 weeks of living life like I never knew possible (both bad and good) and yet I can look forward 7 months and 3 weeks from now, to the new experiences surgery will bring (both bad and good).
And yet there's another equilibrium I was contemplating tonight. Growing up, I lived the only life I knew (or at least the only life I'd let myself know) and that was pleasing mom and dad however I could. Until last year, I never realized that that's what I was doing because my subconsciousness had been protecting me all those years. Once I had broken through and began to understand who I really am though, I could no longer continue living as this fake person I had let my subconsciousness create. In that situation, my parents and everyone else was happy and I was miserable....so miserable I chose to attempt to take my own life.
Now here I am, almost a year later, in almost the complete opposite situation. I am finally living life authentically and happy and my parents are completely miserable. They chose to reject me and disown me and so amongst all the unbelievably great feelings I never knew could be possible when it came to living life....there is still much pain because of my parents.
It's really a huge catch 22. If I want to be happy I live my life this way, as a woman and they are unhappy....if I want THEM to be happy, I go back to being a boy, and most definitely kill myself. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
It's a huge equilibrium/conundrum...and the only solutions are time and hope. Time for wounds to heal and Hope for change in the future. In the meantime, I'm caught in the middle.
Some would say starting hormones was the beginning of my biological changes and some would say that the surgery I will be having in March is the end. That's not necessarily true but with that in mind....today I am right in the middle of the two. I can look back at 7 months and 3 weeks of living life like I never knew possible (both bad and good) and yet I can look forward 7 months and 3 weeks from now, to the new experiences surgery will bring (both bad and good).
And yet there's another equilibrium I was contemplating tonight. Growing up, I lived the only life I knew (or at least the only life I'd let myself know) and that was pleasing mom and dad however I could. Until last year, I never realized that that's what I was doing because my subconsciousness had been protecting me all those years. Once I had broken through and began to understand who I really am though, I could no longer continue living as this fake person I had let my subconsciousness create. In that situation, my parents and everyone else was happy and I was miserable....so miserable I chose to attempt to take my own life.
Now here I am, almost a year later, in almost the complete opposite situation. I am finally living life authentically and happy and my parents are completely miserable. They chose to reject me and disown me and so amongst all the unbelievably great feelings I never knew could be possible when it came to living life....there is still much pain because of my parents.
It's really a huge catch 22. If I want to be happy I live my life this way, as a woman and they are unhappy....if I want THEM to be happy, I go back to being a boy, and most definitely kill myself. Damned if I do, damned if I don't.
It's a huge equilibrium/conundrum...and the only solutions are time and hope. Time for wounds to heal and Hope for change in the future. In the meantime, I'm caught in the middle.
Monday, July 19, 2010
When you look at me
This is a poem I wrote for my ex-boyfriend in private about 3 weeks into our relationship. I figured now that we're broken up I can publicize it.
Well here we are
where I was afraid to go
an unequal yoking.
For a while, I held back feelings
and just acted, had fun
with you
knowing at some point
it would be safe
to let them flow.
Well it wasn't long
I started to realize
how special you were to me.
The dam holding back my emotions
began to creak
and as I put onto paper
the reasons for my devotion,
it burst at the seams.
Tears, drops of pure emotion
poured out of me
only to be met with
mediocre satisfaction,
immovably obstructed
by emotionless empty eyes.
What now?
I know I need patience
but how can I do the things
we used to do
with pure pleasure
when they mean so much more to me now?
And yet you don't feel it,
the fire in your veins
spring in your step
or love in your heart
when you look at me.
Well here we are
where I was afraid to go
an unequal yoking.
For a while, I held back feelings
and just acted, had fun
with you
knowing at some point
it would be safe
to let them flow.
Well it wasn't long
I started to realize
how special you were to me.
The dam holding back my emotions
began to creak
and as I put onto paper
the reasons for my devotion,
it burst at the seams.
Tears, drops of pure emotion
poured out of me
only to be met with
mediocre satisfaction,
immovably obstructed
by emotionless empty eyes.
What now?
I know I need patience
but how can I do the things
we used to do
with pure pleasure
when they mean so much more to me now?
And yet you don't feel it,
the fire in your veins
spring in your step
or love in your heart
when you look at me.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
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